I am writing tonight through tears, and foggy glasses, because in the last 21 days I have had to make some big changes in my life and accept some losses that I never imagined I would have to reconcile.
But, as life has it's way with me, these things have brought me to tears, and the realization that even though most times, change is very, very good, I still have to wade through all of the pain and regret of those choices.
I just sometimes don't understand what is happening, and most times, there is a good reason for that.
In Ecclesiastes 3:1 it says "there is a time and a PURPOSE for everything under heaven," today I believe that with all of my heart and know God is not a liar, and trust his word, even though I do not understand it.
I thought I was getting better at loosing loved ones in my life. My dog Patch, for instance, who was the apple of my eye and who I thought I would have with me forever, is now living in Vermont and will be living with her new family by the end of the week. I am over joyed with that fact. I am so overwhelmed with the love that the Vermont English Bulldog Rescue has given her, along with a new family in just a week, I know it came directly from God.
But I will never get to see her "in the flesh" or pet her again. This arrangement is like a closed adoption. No physical contact. No long visit. No walks around the yard. She is no longer mine. She is going to be the amazing Bulldog Patch to a family that will be able to support her physically, emotionally and financially for the rest of her life. I could not ask for more than that, because I couldn't do it.
But I still can't help but miss her. I still can't help but say "Oh if only I could have done ..." Well, I couldn't or I would have. And what I did for her is what any loving parent of an animal or a child does, gives them a better life, a better chance with more opportunities.
That is what I did for her. I think I am writing to write away my regret and my guilt because her eyes are in danger and she had an ear infection and a tail pocket infection and I wasn't aware of them. I feel so guilty I couldn't care for her better, but now someone else can and WANTS too ... that is what I can be thankful for. That God provided these amazing women from out of the blue to take her, FLY her to Vermont, and get her into ship shape for her second journey in her Bulldog life.
That is what makes the sadness go away; that is what makes me know I did the right thing. Seeing new pictures of her with white eyes instead of red and sore. No itchy tail and no sore ears, knowing she is not in pain, anywhere anymore, that makes it worth the loss of her. Within the week she will be in a new loving home where she is going to have a new little girl that will be her friend for the next leg of her journey. Those are the things that make this all worth it.
That is what makes this pain and the tears OK ... because these people are going to love her just as much as I do. And I can always keep in touch with her through Vermont English Bulldog Rescue.
I am looking forward to sending her a Christmas package!
And the rest of my tears are for my friend Mark Wing who a whole community lost this past week-end. I don't think there is a single person in our whole community who didn't know him.
We went to school together. He was older than me but he was the guy every girl from 9 -12 grade had a crush on. He was a nice guy with a brilliant smile and personality to match; the whole package. Gentleman, joker, and someone you could really have a sit down talk with if you really needed to. I always remember he did listen. And he always remembered you, no matter how long it had been. The last time I saw him was actually in August at our combined class reunion. I got to say hello and we talked just for a second and we got to give each other a hug and an "I'll see ya later." Plus I got to see that smile.
This to me was not a coincidence and I believe the Lord gave us that one last memory, for this time right now. It is burned in my mind, forever.
I ended up, luckily, knowing his whole family. I am friends with his two sisters and I know his older brother too. We enjoyed "door-burner" parties and for "no reason at all parties" and we laughed and enjoyed our time together. I met some of the best friends I have in my life now at some of those parties, and having to see them later on this week at his funeral is going to be heart wrenching to say the least.
I guess my tears are for all of the people I have lost this year and how many I didn't tell that I loved them, or even took the time to spend just one hour with them, so I am going to make changes to make that different now. If they are in our lives, we owe it to them and to ourselves to be present, don't you agree?
So to close ... Remember this today ... tell those you love, that you love them today. Spend time with the one's closest to you today, and be grateful and thankful for the blessing in your life right now because today is all we have, no one knows what tomorrow will bring. I love all of you who are reading this, my friends, my readers, my few "fans." Remember to have an amazing day and call someone and tell them you love them ... because we just never know.
My tears are gone now, I have somehow written them away, and laid on some hearts to make a call or tell that someone how much you do love them. We just never know, and none of us want it to be too late, do we?