Thursday, March 20, 2014

I am Unfinished Business

I have days, when suddenly, I get an overwhelming sense of panic that I will sit here in my little house, with my little dog, and my two loving cats, and all of my BIG dreams, and I will be stuck here forever, with none of my dreams coming true.

I start imaging my life ten or fifteen years from now and it is still the same – I’m still the same. Only in that scene, down the pike, I am older, and the dog died, and the cats have been replaced with new cats and my big dreams have turned into a little thought clouds above
my head in a cartoon in my mind, and none of my dreams ever came to life and I never went anywhere. 

What a dreadful feeling.

That scenario is my WORST nightmare. To think that even in a day dream I jump to a start when the thought of “nothing ever happening,” enters my mind; it now propels me forward and makes me even more determined to ensure that bad dream is never a reality. 

The enemy is sneaky and suggestive, and I have to remember he is a liar. In John 10:10 Jesus warns;

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."

And I wake up with much wider eyes,  and I realize I need to just keep making plans and dreaming my BIG dreams; and keep myself on track. Jesus has promised abundance in this life, and I am convinced it includes dreams coming true. And I am going to get my share.

So I have had to decide to never take no for an answer, even from myself. No matter how beat down I may feel, I have to encourage myself, "snap myself out of the fog," I may be in and remember, ALWAYS, that if God is for me, who can possibly be against me? (Wow ... isn't that awesome)?

And I make adjustments.

So how do I stay joyful – how do I beat those "bad dream blues", those negative, deadly thoughts in my head? I have to depend on my faith and my hope in the promises of Jesus. He is the only one who I can honestly say has never let me down, and knowing he is there (always) makes all of the difference.

He loves me, he chose me; I am not a surprise to him, and in his great love, Jesus loves me anyway. 

He has already promised me a finished life - though I am still walking it out. I am still unfinished business (to me anyway). I’m not a chore to him, thank goodness, like I was to many as a child. 

I am his beloved daughter,  and no matter how ragged my days end, he is there, always, to rock me to sleep, to hold me tight and to lull away the “what if” thoughts; and when I can’t fight the nightmare of never getting out of here, he reminds me that my dreams are attainable, I just have to keep walking forward.

I can NOT look back. 

Unfinished business – I will forever be unfinished business, always working toward his plan for my life. I will forever be striving to get better, and I will, and keeping faith in a God who delivers, every time, is a comfort for me. 

I know how short I fall from what I want to be, but He loves me no matter what; this mess of unfinished business that I am. 

Life is a continual discovery for me and a piece of cake for Jesus.

I have come a long way. Five years ago I was worse. I can at least proclaim the solid fact that I am not who I was five years ago, and I am not who I was five years ago because I chose to try something different for once in my life.

I decided to go upstream, against the current, to a different life, with Jesus, whom I can say at the time was the only one who really understood what was going on,  and stood for me regardless of all the muck I was going to have to wade through. I was such a mess, but time, and God's unconditional love have gotten me to a place of peace.

I was a fresh mess straight from a failed marriage; moving, working, fighting, sobbing, begging for what I had lost; I got to the end of me and just surrendered; I literally could not stand anymore. My legs shook and my knees buckled. I shook from exhaustion and moaned at the thought of my life having to start over AGAIN at 44. 

"But God" ... there is such healing in his name.

Psalm 49:15

But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself.

I am unfinished business, and a work in progress;
and I am better than I was. My edges aren't as jagged as they were when I first started heading up stream. The Lord has carried me on his back most days and learning to trust him as my father, and friend and husband, has gotten me closer to being complete.

Five years ago, once again, on my own, (not by choice but circumstance) there was no one with me to keep me going, really, but Jesus and a handful of faithful friends in my life. People I prayed for, people I gleaned from the chaff of my life so that the guarding of my heart was made much easier. 

I was tempted to go find a “Human Savior” but for the FIRST time ever in my life, I chose a different path, the one less followed, the one leading to Jesus, and I stood on my own two feet; and that is what matters when you are unfinished business, and it made ALL the difference for me.

The up-steam, it’s a much harder road than jumping back into compromise and “easy.” 

Easy is deceiving and most often ends in ruin.

But I am not living in ruin anymore; I am living a new life and dreaming dreams that can be reached. 

My life is an up-stream fight, but it looks pretty good from where I am now. It is a good fight and I am a winner just by getting up everyday.

I am more prepared for troubles and the sometimes messy things that come with being unfinished business. Surprises that could mess up progress just don't surprise me anymore; because with Jesus, its just easy. He is the lover of my soul, my husband, my friend, my redeemer and all around best friend and his Armour protects me from all the troubles of the world.

He loves me when no one loves me and there is no one to go to but Him. And he is sufficient for this, for me, this unfinished business; and I am beginning to bloom where I am now; fuller than ever.

One day He will see me and tell me how proud he is of me, how He knew I ‘d get to where I was going; and if he had taken care of everything all at once, there would have been nothing left to fight for, and there is always something left to fight for, there is always something left to believe in at the end of the day. 

Together Jesus and I, we keep on going – looking forward to the future but staying in today, letting unfinished business be what it is; and knowing, confidently that one day, I will be finished.

And I will be with Him.

And truthfully, isn't that what this life is all about anyway?

Unfinished business isn't such a bad thing; I am looking forward to what the finished work will look like for me. That gets me very excited and for now I am learning and growing and REALLY Dreaming. 

Each new day is an adventure with Jesus, I never know exactly where he is going to lead me or how he may use me to bless someone, and that makes each new day even more exciting. 

Unfinished business status is looking pretty promising, I have a great Savior to trust and follow, and I look forward to the mysteries of my future.

And that is exciting!

Matthew 25:23
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!