Thursday, March 27, 2014

Mountainous Fear

1 Timothy 1:7

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

My mountainous fear for the last few days has been caused by staring at blank pages. For three days now I have produced nothing; and I am hoping that this little post knocks the fear out because it is getting in my way.

I was on such a roll, spilling out words and making sense and connections, and WHAM, all of the sudden, I hit that proverbial brick wall. 

I consider this affliction to be more than writer's block. 

Sometimes you can’t get through it, so you have to climb it and get over the top of it, and then down the other side. 

But you have to get started first.

"There's more than one way to skin a cat," my grandfather would have said.  It's just figuring out which way will work the best.

It has always been my fear – not being able to put words down to make some kind of sense and share them with others. I have tried to pay more attention to why the "walls" go up, and it seems that it has something to do with always worrying about an ending … so I don’t start.

And all of my words and stories and idea’s get stuck in my head where they stew, for days and days, and are denied the chance to tell someone something.

And I stare at the empty page.

And I play video games.

And I look at Facebook for an unusually long time, longer than I should, and then, I go back to the page and it's still empty, and so is my mind.

And why, because I am worried about an ending?

The prompts and the ideas I get are more than sufficient for even a teenager to get a good start on a catchy story; but sadly, lately,(anyway) my ideas have just been coming up one dimensional. They have no substance or value; no character or personality; no individual thoughts, no motion, no life; so they have gone no where.

Absolutely nothing is coming. 

Nothing word worthy; except for this meager attempt on the subject of fear.

I'm not exactly worried though, I know that it is only temporary. Its just that getting through the block or over the wall and back down the other side is becoming tiresome, and I am beginning to beat myself up over it. I shouldn't be that way at all, because its only a process, its only words. 

But still I am hard on myself. 

And I have to remember there is nothing to fear - right?

I have to remember that it is a fear that will cease in a day or two and I will be back to where I was.

Or will I be?

I think, too, that because I was receiving comments, and readers were writing me notes on my blog posts, and now it has settled a bit, I am starting to doubt myself a little  – but I was warned – it is a thankless job sometimes, and I need to just write those words anyway.

Pat myself on my back anyway. 

I have settled the fact that I will continue to bare the deeper parts of myself. It is in those deeper parts the healing has been done.

I haven’t worked my way up to sharing the deepest parts of me yet. I am working toward that though. I think some of the stories might be on their way out soon in prompts that are ahead of me, or dreams I may have, or a memory of a memory. 

Wherever it comes from I will be overjoyed to bring it to life.

And with all the fuss, all these words on fear, look what I have done – I have written something today!

I am happy with my results; even though it may be a humble entry, I am writing again. My fingers are spilling out words that makes sense and it feels good to know that in the pain of moving over and down the back side of fear, once there is movement forward the words come much easier.

I have found that in writing words to others I stop worrying and wondering about myself too; and really what do I have to lose if I bare my deepest parts? It is in those parts that help others – and that is my sole purpose in writing words anyway.

Even when faced with mountainous fear.

I have reconciled the fact that fear is OK. In fear I believe there is a beauty and a truth waiting to spill out and soften the hardest of battles. Fear helps make the painful and uncomfortable a little easier to bare.

And that is my point and why I write; to assure others that they are not alone. Other's need to know that fear is nothing to be afraid of because it is usually the beginning of something; not the ending, and you have got to keep on moving to get beyond it.

So today I applaud myself, I have pushed past the fear. I have gotten a grip on it and I have kept my promise to myself, and that is to write. 

I have kept on writing because there are too many words and too many people who need them, and upholding my responsibility to share my words, even the ones that hold fear, is something I have to do daily, and do it boldly. 

Pushing through fear, climbing that wall, making yourself the boss of the "fear" and not "fearing the fear" is always the ONLY answer, and every word and every conquered fear is worth it.